Last night, I went to the Dyke March fundraiser, a dance party at North Star. A great time was had by all, and I had some very funny, and very awkward moments with some wonderful friends.
As the evening wore down, I was talking with a couple of friends, as the subject somehow seemed to turn to our weight and body image. A good friend mentioned how she wanted to lose about 15 pounds, so she could be "smokin' hot". This is a normal, average sized girl, who I already (and everyone one Earth, it seems) think is smokin' hot. She then exclaimed, "but this is coming from a girl who used to weigh 240 pounds!"
As it happens, I weigh 240 pounds. There. I just put it out on the internet. When I say it in numbers, I start to freak out a little, and think about how awful that is.
But, when I look in the mirror, I am pretty ok with that number, how I look, and where it's all placed. In fact, I think of myself as a pretty girl, with pretty fantastic tits, if I do say so myself.
How did I get to this point, though? I've been told all my life that being overweight is completely unacceptable by everyone from the media to my mom. I think the answer is sheer determination. I decided a long time ago that my self worth was not going to be determined by a number on a scale, and I haven't let it be. And, not surprisingly, the more I like my body, the more others do, as well.
Would I like to lose weight? Sure. I love clothes and fun dresses, and there are more options when I am smaller. But, overall, I'm pretty healthy, so I'll go with that. I have good cholesterol, good blood pressure, I eat better then I ever have in my life.
When I attempt to lose weight, I obsess. I think about nothing but food and my weight. I refuse social opportunities, because there might be food and drink there. I bring all of my self worth down to a number on a scale, and how much that number changes. I hate that feeling.
Until I can figure out how to do this in a way that is mentally healthy, as well as physically so, I'll keep what I have.
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